After moving to Seattle in January, I was pretty desperate to find anywhere that had any other color than grey to gaze upon. I searched and found this Botanical Garden in Bellevue. Amazingly, their gardens were just blooming with early spring flowers.
I meandered through the gardens mentally reminding myself to return in the later Spring to see all the other flowers that would be blooming. It was sure a welcome sight to see the few that were showing their faces.
The gardens are attached to Kelsey Creek Park through a pathway on the East side of the gardens. I didn’t venture far into the park but I came across a few interesting spots such as this adorable fairy door at the bottom of this tree and gigantic rock cairns.
When I saw the suspension bridge, I didn’t linger for long but crossed it just to see the view.
So for me bridges are beautiful and scary. I find them fascinating because they are all unique as well as imaginative, but there is a dark side for me as well. (Trigger warning: suicidal ideation.)
I have a mental health disorder called Major Depression. Throughout my life there have been times where my mental health has been significantly overwhelming. During the worst times, I would lay in bed trying to find ways to cope or means to end the need to cope. Bridge jumping has always been on my plan list for completing suicide. There is this bridge in the Sacramento area, Foresthill bridge, that was my focus for quite awhile during my last bout of depression. So many thoughts ran through my head while trying to plan that event. How to get around the security fencing? What it may feel like to fall and splash.. Sorry, not trying to be graphic, but rather honest and transparent with what it feels like to go through something like this.
So following that last round of suicidal ideation, every time I get close to a bridge these memories surface and I evaluate the possibilities of this moment, this bridge. Most times I take a pause and smile because I can see the value in how far I have come from those dark days. I can feel a full heart of love and promise and realize that the bridge could be an option, but I am appreciating that I don’t need that option.
I am thankful to those closest to me that stuck with me through this fog of depression. I am so glad they did not give up on me. If I had chosen Foresthill bridge in that moment, I would never have been able to feel how amazing it is to stand in a winter forest, inhaling the frozen fog and watching the trees around me “breathe.” People ask me “why would you move to Seattle?” “Doesn’t it rain there?” Well yes, it rains, but it is also the home of where I began to live again.
If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, please reach out for help from a professional mental health provider. If you need immediate support, here is the Suicide Prevention hotline.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a United States-based suicide prevention network of over 160 crisis centers that provides 24/7 service via a toll-free hotline with the number 1-800-273-8255. It is available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress.
Deep Breath Adventures 
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